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Rich feedback3

Page history last edited by PBworks 15 years, 6 months ago

Rich's Feedback for Felesha

 

Felesha,

 

Great stuff.

 

I like your idea to wikify your bowling league as your way of contributing to your community. Too many people complain that things aren't the way they should be yet do nothing to facilitate that change. I believe it was Ghandi that said, "Be the change you want to see in the world."

 

Your interview is fascinating. I remember having similar conversations with my grandmother when she was alive. She was born in 1900. She talked about life before everyone had a car, a tv or a phone. Amazing to think about it. I think she's right in saying it's a double-edged sword with it's positive and negative aspects. What a great metaphor, too. No matter what technology you use to cook your pancakes, it's about the pancakes.

 

Here's some feedback that's intended to be constructive:

 

1. The paragraph under "Pancakes and Technology" has at least 3 different fonts. I'm not sure if that was intended or not, but to me it's distracting. If you are trying to capture two voices, consider putting the second voice in italics. Maybe you use the more traditional quotation marks. Maybe just add more paragraph breaks. If nothing else, consider making it all the same size.

 

2. Consider a transition between your conversation with your mother and your idea to create a wiki for the bowling league. It almost seems like your "rough draft" and "hopes, dreams and aspirations" sections address this. It just seems abrupt to go from pancakes to a bowling league.

 

3. I know this a rough draft, but you should proof read the page for grammatical errors and typos. Maybe another reviewer will spend time pointing that stuff out. If you want me to review it for that purpose I can later. For now, know that there's some polishing that needs to happen on that level. Another technique for ferreting out grammatical and mechanical issues as they arise is to simply paste your essay into Zoho (an online word processor) or openoffice or word or textedit and let the tools do what they do.

 

If anything is unclear, just ask me. Hope this helps.

 

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