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Rich's feedback1

Page history last edited by PBworks 15 years, 7 months ago

Rich's Feedback for Patti

 

Patti,

 

I don't know if that's her title or yours, but what a great idea. It does have the connotation of "stealing" from the rich though. Speaking of, I like how you address the class issue of "haves" and "have nots."

 

I enjoyed the interview with Dr. Robinson. She comes across as informed, passionate and magnanimous. In fact the whole concept is "revolutionary" as you state in the opening paragraph. I love when people look for new ways to solve old problems but also try to work with the current constraints on the situation.

 

I know this is a work in process, but here's some feedback that's meant to be constructive:

 

1. Formatting. There are a number of asterisks in the interview section. I don't know if you meant for them to be there. Perhaps you are separating your voice from hers. Consider using italics or quotation marks. Either way, just be consistent through the interview. And from a readability point, consider adding a space (paragraph breaks) between questions.

 

2. Style. I appreciate the density of your sentences. You may want to consider alternating sentence styles and lengths to give your writing a bit more flow and accessibility to the reader. I'm a big fan of multiple clauses in a sentence, but I try to keep my audience in mind. This doesn't necessarily mean "dumbing it down." For me this means cutting my narrative into small enough pieces so that I can leave a clear trail for my readers to follow. If you don't want to alter your sentence lengths, consider going a little comma-crazy to clearly identify these clauses.

 

3. References. Having the links to information within the text is great as it instantly lends credibility to your argument. Your second link for Kaiser should open to the page you are referencing instead of just the organization's main home page.

 

4. Organization and Clarity. I guess I am still a bit confused. You can use the section titled "Robin Hood Model" to explain further and provide examples. Perhaps some of your introduction to Dr. Robinson could be in the interview section. I understand the Robin Hood model, but not when it's pushed to extremes. Meaning, she's on call for the "rich" people who have paid for their personal care. Got that. So it's on her to decide how many "poor" patients she will see? And what about constraints on her time. The "rich" people have immediate access even if her office is full of "poor" people? And since this falls on the compassion of a few enlightened doctors to implement is it really a model that can be duplicated on a mass scale?

 

Hope this helps. Let me know when you've made your updates, and I can go through it again.

 

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